Sunday, July 15, 2012

Alert the Authorities!

This dillweed thought she would threaten me with the coppers. Not happening. Funny stuff, though.

Kevin: I love a woman with a really hairy butt. Running my fingers through it is divine.

CopGirl: I love that my father is a sherriff ur move

Kevin: Does your father love that you can't spell sheriff?

CopGirl: Does your parents know ur a pervert?

Kevin: Do your parents know that the school system has failed you? Do you even know your dad?

CopGirl: Ur 1 sick person

Kevin: I'm sick for pointing out your terrible spelling and grammar? Okay.

Kevin: When was your last brain scan?

She resigns.

Kevin: Dummy.

CopGirl: Stop getting a nut off my time u filing pervert

I don't even know what that means.

Kevin: Double dildo dummy.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Call of... Period?

For this one, I changed my profile pic to a close-up of strawberries. Oh, and I pretended to be a woman, but that will be obvious by my first sentence. I'm pretty sure my opponent was also a guy based on the smartass remarks.

Kevin: I'm totally having my period right now. I HATE the heavy days.

A$$: Me too

Kevin: Wtf right? I started having cramps last night and KNEW this shit would start today. Now my bf is all pissed cuz i wouldn't let him go down on me this morning. That's so gross.

Kevin: Srsly, chunks are coming out of me. I think i had a miscarriage.

Kevin: Ever have that? My cunt hurts.

A$$: My worst is when my ass bleeds.

Kevin: During ur period? Had that happen. Usually after i let my bf fuck my ass. Hes big.

A$$: Must be a nigger in you

I really don't know why people think this is okay to say just because they're hidden online, but I just went with it.

Kevin: He has a big black dick. Almost 12. Thick as an Alabama tree stump. My dad hates him.

A$$: Wow. And your tits and pussy look like

A$$: Just watched porn for three hours and played Wii at the same time. The went fishing and ate raw meat. Yeah!

Kevin: How big is your pussy? I have very long labia. My vagina looks like Cthulu.

Kevin: I should call it Cunthulu!

He just quit playing after that. I couldn't be topped.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Somebody's Watching Me

The icon for this one was of an old couple, and I assume I was talking to the guy here. His profile and mine both end with the number 52, so I thought I'd use it to get started.

Kevin: Are you 52?

1952: No, I was born in '52.

Kevin: The year 52, 1852 or 1952?

1952: Very funny.

Kevin: I'm serious. I was born in 1952, and I don't remember seeing you at the reunion.

1952: What reunion?

Kevin: If you were really born in 1952, you'd know. What's the joke? Are you messing with me?

1952: Ok, if I was born in 1852, I'd be 159 years old. Think that's likely?

1952: I still don't know about any reunion.

Kevin: I don't know what's possible with science. For all I know, you could be part of a government experiment.

Kevin: Are you Captain America?

1952: What ARE you smoking??

Kevin: Don't try to distract me from the truth. I know all about the Patriot Act, but I never thought you CIA thugs would stoop to spying on Wordfeud. Unbelievable!

He resigned.

Kevin: Aha! I knew it! Busted! You tell J. Edgar Hoover that he can shove it!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Brotherly Love

I'm going to guess that this girl isn't too bright. Here's an easy way to weed out stupid people. They spell "fucking" wrong, and instead write "fucken." It's a common dipshit maneuver. Her name was RideOrDie, and the only word I could play to start was RIDE.

Kevin: Or die, right? Lol!

RideOrDie: Yup Ride or Die chic

Kevin: What do you ride?

My next word was DYE. I'm not fucken with you.

Kevin: First ride, then dye! What are the odds? Wowsers!

RideOrDie: Ha dnt trip

Kevin: Do you ever ride mustaches?

RideOrDie: Ur weird

Kevin: Ever kiss your brother on the mouth?

RideOrDie: Yess

Kevin: Did you use tongue?

RideOrDie: Wtf bye

At this point, I believe she intended to resign, but didn't.

Kevin: Did you caress his buttocks while you made out with him?

Kevin: Were you dressed as Princess Leia while he was dressed as Luke Skywalker?

RideOrDie: Fuk u muther fuker duces

Kevin: Fuck you back, brother fucker.

RideOrDie: Okayy thats guuudddd BITCH ASS NIGGERR:-)

She then changes her avatar to a close-up of her making a kissy face.

Kevin: Are those the lips you put on your brother's balls?

Kevin: Ur kinda cute. (She actually isn't.) Wanna see my balls?

RideOrDie: Fuk no bitch leave me tha fuk alone

Kevin: You know you want to see them mashed on a glass coffee table while you lay under it and diddle your labia.

Here it comes.

RideOrDie: Im fucken married ass hole u dumb puto

Kevin: Then why do you make out with your brother?

Friday, June 29, 2012

Get Your Red Hots!

Limesack submitted another conversation, and this one gets a little deep. Enjoy!

Random User: Redsoxxx (picture of his baby dressed in Red Sox outfit)

Limesack: Do u ever use a redsock when you masterbate?

Redsoxxx: Once in awhile got to do what ya gotta do

Limesack: Ya I know what u mean, I try sticking hot dogs in my anus but the always crumble : (

Redsoxxx: Freeze a couple

Limesack: Damn what a great idea! I didn't think of that, I was gonna move onto a carrot but don't wanna poke and bleed! (445pm)

No response.

Limesack: My hotdogs are almost frozen! (955pm)

No response, the next day I respond.

Limesack: Last night I used the frozen hotdogs in my anus, it was the greatest feeling ever! When they fully defrosted I ate them with a glass of milk.

NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Baloney Flavored Meat

This one started from a conversation I had on an episode of Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! You can thank Jeff Dolniak for the title of this post. My competitor was a young man with glasses and headphones.

Kevin: I'm snacking on baloney flavored meat. How are you?

Kevin: Do you like baloney flavored meats?

No response all day, though he kept playing.

Kevin: Dude, we're men here. I'm trying to have a conversation about processed meats. Yay or nay on the baloney flavored meats?

Glasses: Lol...that would be a no for me

Kevin: You a pastrami man? Sommer sausage, maybe?

Kevin: You're not very talkative. Meat is important. It's my life.

Glasses: Hmmm...well sense you seem so passionate about the subject, I'll let you talk. I don't have much to say.

Kevin: What's your favorite? I'll give you a personalized history.

Glasses: Turkey

This is where I get to start talking completely out of my ass.

Kevin: Turkey as a luncheon meat goes back to colonial days. Early colonists would salt the meat and soon learned that it was a succulent cold dish that held up well. Turkey was one of the first processed...

Glasses: Cool

Kevin: meat due to its plentitude. They were also used in carnival games in the early 1800s. Ben Franklin proposed the turkey as our national bird, but many thought that this was due to a little known sexual...

Kevin: fetish he had for the bird.

Kevin: Did you know Ben Franklin liked to fuck turkeys?

No response. The next day...

Kevin: Do you know how many signers of the Declaration of Independence were beastialists? I'll give you a hint. You'd need more than one hand to count them.

Nothing from him until the next day. He continues playing.

Kevin: Don't you want to know who buggered animals?

He plays the final word. He seems to pretend I never wrote about animal fucking.

Glasses: Good game. Nice playing with you

Kevin: You too. Remember, baloney flavored meat is your friend.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Disarmed

This conversation was sent in by a listener who shall be known as Limesack, and he knows why. Good stuff, Limesack. Keep them coming.

Random User: Crimson (picture of a hippy swirl)

Limesack: I shampooed my carpet today

Crimson: That's ambitious

Limesack: Not as ambitious as wiping my childs ass

Crimson: I guess so if the child is capable of doing it themselves

Limesack: My child was born without arms

Crimson: That sucks but why would you even classify wiping their ass as ambitious?

Crimson: That is just parenting

Limesack: Cuz he's a fancy nigga!

Crimson: Yea, not buying it!

Limesack: Is that a hippy picture?

Never heard back from her again!