Sunday, July 15, 2012

Alert the Authorities!

This dillweed thought she would threaten me with the coppers. Not happening. Funny stuff, though.

Kevin: I love a woman with a really hairy butt. Running my fingers through it is divine.

CopGirl: I love that my father is a sherriff ur move

Kevin: Does your father love that you can't spell sheriff?

CopGirl: Does your parents know ur a pervert?

Kevin: Do your parents know that the school system has failed you? Do you even know your dad?

CopGirl: Ur 1 sick person

Kevin: I'm sick for pointing out your terrible spelling and grammar? Okay.

Kevin: When was your last brain scan?

She resigns.

Kevin: Dummy.

CopGirl: Stop getting a nut off my time u filing pervert

I don't even know what that means.

Kevin: Double dildo dummy.

Sunday, July 8, 2012

The Call of... Period?

For this one, I changed my profile pic to a close-up of strawberries. Oh, and I pretended to be a woman, but that will be obvious by my first sentence. I'm pretty sure my opponent was also a guy based on the smartass remarks.

Kevin: I'm totally having my period right now. I HATE the heavy days.

A$$: Me too

Kevin: Wtf right? I started having cramps last night and KNEW this shit would start today. Now my bf is all pissed cuz i wouldn't let him go down on me this morning. That's so gross.

Kevin: Srsly, chunks are coming out of me. I think i had a miscarriage.

Kevin: Ever have that? My cunt hurts.

A$$: My worst is when my ass bleeds.

Kevin: During ur period? Had that happen. Usually after i let my bf fuck my ass. Hes big.

A$$: Must be a nigger in you

I really don't know why people think this is okay to say just because they're hidden online, but I just went with it.

Kevin: He has a big black dick. Almost 12. Thick as an Alabama tree stump. My dad hates him.

A$$: Wow. And your tits and pussy look like

A$$: Just watched porn for three hours and played Wii at the same time. The went fishing and ate raw meat. Yeah!

Kevin: How big is your pussy? I have very long labia. My vagina looks like Cthulu.

Kevin: I should call it Cunthulu!

He just quit playing after that. I couldn't be topped.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Somebody's Watching Me

The icon for this one was of an old couple, and I assume I was talking to the guy here. His profile and mine both end with the number 52, so I thought I'd use it to get started.

Kevin: Are you 52?

1952: No, I was born in '52.

Kevin: The year 52, 1852 or 1952?

1952: Very funny.

Kevin: I'm serious. I was born in 1952, and I don't remember seeing you at the reunion.

1952: What reunion?

Kevin: If you were really born in 1952, you'd know. What's the joke? Are you messing with me?

1952: Ok, if I was born in 1852, I'd be 159 years old. Think that's likely?

1952: I still don't know about any reunion.

Kevin: I don't know what's possible with science. For all I know, you could be part of a government experiment.

Kevin: Are you Captain America?

1952: What ARE you smoking??

Kevin: Don't try to distract me from the truth. I know all about the Patriot Act, but I never thought you CIA thugs would stoop to spying on Wordfeud. Unbelievable!

He resigned.

Kevin: Aha! I knew it! Busted! You tell J. Edgar Hoover that he can shove it!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Brotherly Love

I'm going to guess that this girl isn't too bright. Here's an easy way to weed out stupid people. They spell "fucking" wrong, and instead write "fucken." It's a common dipshit maneuver. Her name was RideOrDie, and the only word I could play to start was RIDE.

Kevin: Or die, right? Lol!

RideOrDie: Yup Ride or Die chic

Kevin: What do you ride?

My next word was DYE. I'm not fucken with you.

Kevin: First ride, then dye! What are the odds? Wowsers!

RideOrDie: Ha dnt trip

Kevin: Do you ever ride mustaches?

RideOrDie: Ur weird

Kevin: Ever kiss your brother on the mouth?

RideOrDie: Yess

Kevin: Did you use tongue?

RideOrDie: Wtf bye

At this point, I believe she intended to resign, but didn't.

Kevin: Did you caress his buttocks while you made out with him?

Kevin: Were you dressed as Princess Leia while he was dressed as Luke Skywalker?

RideOrDie: Fuk u muther fuker duces

Kevin: Fuck you back, brother fucker.

RideOrDie: Okayy thats guuudddd BITCH ASS NIGGERR:-)

She then changes her avatar to a close-up of her making a kissy face.

Kevin: Are those the lips you put on your brother's balls?

Kevin: Ur kinda cute. (She actually isn't.) Wanna see my balls?

RideOrDie: Fuk no bitch leave me tha fuk alone

Kevin: You know you want to see them mashed on a glass coffee table while you lay under it and diddle your labia.

Here it comes.

RideOrDie: Im fucken married ass hole u dumb puto

Kevin: Then why do you make out with your brother?

Friday, June 29, 2012

Get Your Red Hots!

Limesack submitted another conversation, and this one gets a little deep. Enjoy!

Random User: Redsoxxx (picture of his baby dressed in Red Sox outfit)

Limesack: Do u ever use a redsock when you masterbate?

Redsoxxx: Once in awhile got to do what ya gotta do

Limesack: Ya I know what u mean, I try sticking hot dogs in my anus but the always crumble : (

Redsoxxx: Freeze a couple

Limesack: Damn what a great idea! I didn't think of that, I was gonna move onto a carrot but don't wanna poke and bleed! (445pm)

No response.

Limesack: My hotdogs are almost frozen! (955pm)

No response, the next day I respond.

Limesack: Last night I used the frozen hotdogs in my anus, it was the greatest feeling ever! When they fully defrosted I ate them with a glass of milk.

NEVER HEARD FROM HIM AGAIN!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Baloney Flavored Meat

This one started from a conversation I had on an episode of Cinema Head Cheese: The Podcast! You can thank Jeff Dolniak for the title of this post. My competitor was a young man with glasses and headphones.

Kevin: I'm snacking on baloney flavored meat. How are you?

Kevin: Do you like baloney flavored meats?

No response all day, though he kept playing.

Kevin: Dude, we're men here. I'm trying to have a conversation about processed meats. Yay or nay on the baloney flavored meats?

Glasses: Lol...that would be a no for me

Kevin: You a pastrami man? Sommer sausage, maybe?

Kevin: You're not very talkative. Meat is important. It's my life.

Glasses: Hmmm...well sense you seem so passionate about the subject, I'll let you talk. I don't have much to say.

Kevin: What's your favorite? I'll give you a personalized history.

Glasses: Turkey

This is where I get to start talking completely out of my ass.

Kevin: Turkey as a luncheon meat goes back to colonial days. Early colonists would salt the meat and soon learned that it was a succulent cold dish that held up well. Turkey was one of the first processed...

Glasses: Cool

Kevin: meat due to its plentitude. They were also used in carnival games in the early 1800s. Ben Franklin proposed the turkey as our national bird, but many thought that this was due to a little known sexual...

Kevin: fetish he had for the bird.

Kevin: Did you know Ben Franklin liked to fuck turkeys?

No response. The next day...

Kevin: Do you know how many signers of the Declaration of Independence were beastialists? I'll give you a hint. You'd need more than one hand to count them.

Nothing from him until the next day. He continues playing.

Kevin: Don't you want to know who buggered animals?

He plays the final word. He seems to pretend I never wrote about animal fucking.

Glasses: Good game. Nice playing with you

Kevin: You too. Remember, baloney flavored meat is your friend.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Disarmed

This conversation was sent in by a listener who shall be known as Limesack, and he knows why. Good stuff, Limesack. Keep them coming.

Random User: Crimson (picture of a hippy swirl)

Limesack: I shampooed my carpet today

Crimson: That's ambitious

Limesack: Not as ambitious as wiping my childs ass

Crimson: I guess so if the child is capable of doing it themselves

Limesack: My child was born without arms

Crimson: That sucks but why would you even classify wiping their ass as ambitious?

Crimson: That is just parenting

Limesack: Cuz he's a fancy nigga!

Crimson: Yea, not buying it!

Limesack: Is that a hippy picture?

Never heard back from her again!

Husky Meerkats

So, what happens when I run across a person who is as crazy as I pretend to be? This happens.


CAMM: It's not like I've ever seen a meerkat. I just figure a husky one would be more appealing to me than an emaciated one.

Yup, this is how I start out the conversation with this pimply-faced redheaded teen boy. Ten seconds after our game started, before either of us played a single word, and as if we had been having this conversation for hours already. This guy didn't skip a beat in his reply.

PIMPLES: Meerkats? Hmm. Aren't they merely monkeys? Like another word for a monkey? I think I learned that somewhere.

I like him already, the son of a bitch!

CAMM: I can't say for sure but riddle me this: if it IS a monkey, wouldn't you rather have a husky monkey than one so skinny his frail arms would snap mid-tree swing?

PIMPLES: Oh, I'd take a monkey right now! I'd take a monkey anytime, skinny or fat.

CAMM: HEY NOW! You look pretty young in your picture! I will NOT discuss sex with you!

PIMPLES: Lololo. I was talking about actual monkeys. I've never had sex. Yet.

CAMM: I bet husky meerkats fuck like monkeys.

CAMM: I don't retain information so well.

PIMPLES: Riddle ME this mistacamm, WHERE would you house and WHAT would you feed a husky meerkat? I would have to do some research but let's go under the assumption that they are carnivorous. If you have a boner for keeping him or her chunky, then you're talking alot of meat here. And where do you live? Unless it's on Wacko Jacko's former ranch, I'm sure you would need some sort of permit at the very least.

PIMPLES: Have you even googled the temperment of meerkats? I hardly met you but I'm starting to fear for your safety. I have a feeling that husky meerkats are capable of going very bath saltsy on you.

HA! This crazy kid actually made me laugh out loud!! I like him, I really do.

CAMM: I will not dignify that with an answer! Besides, there are sanctions and secret societies of which I am part of that prevents me from speaking more on the subject of meerkat housing and feeding.

PIMPLES: Hmmph! Pussy.

CAMM: Ok. Fine. I live in a one bedroom apartment in Los Angeles and I can hardly provide enough meat for myself. HAPPY NOW???

PIMPLES: Just as I suspected. I'll be away from the game for a bit. Tonight is taco night at my cousin's house. Catch ya later! Stay away from meerkats!

CAMM: I feel like I just got owned.


Oh, I am SO not done with PIMPLES! I'm gonna keep this one around. There's just too much to explore here. And I wasn't lying about feeling like I got owned. This kid's crazy quickly out-shined any fake crazy I could've brought to the table on this subject. Kudos.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Party Pooper

I started a random game with a guy that somehow kept going in spite of my constant rambling. Most people would have bailed on me, but not this guy. What you're about to read is a six day long saga.

Kevin: Do you smell your own farts?

Nothing. One day later.

Kevin: I like my farts.

Thirteen hours later.

Kevin: I just had a good fart. It was thick and hung in the air for a bit.

Seven and a half hours later. "John" continues to play silently.

Kevin: I just farted, and a little poo came out.

Kevin: It was a small nugget with hairs in it.

Kevin: I think I have diarrhea.

The next day. I'm still not getting anything.

Kevin: I made a big doodie today.

Seven hours later, I decide to step it up.

Kevin: I laid on my back and sprayed shit in my own mouth.

Still nothing! I begin to get colorful with my language. The next day.

Kevin: I'm making feces right now. It's warm and squishy as it slides betwixt my cheeks.

The next day.

Kevin: I'm pooping right now. It smells of sandalwood and vanilla.

I woke up at 4 AM the next day and decided to message my silent friend.

Kevin: I woke up to take an early morning evacuation. It flowed out of me like soft serve.

Later that afternoon.

Kevin: I've been spreading anus quiefs all around town today. I must have eaten something strange.

Kevin: I mean these are horribly rancid colon belches.

Kevin: A passerby dry heaved from my rectal fragrance.

Kevin: Man, you should see what just came out of me. It turned back at me and said hello.

Seven hours later, I try to bait him into replying.

Kevin: My nighttime manure leavings are very large. I would love to send you a photograph of it.

Kevin: It looks like Lincoln crossing the Delaware.

Even my historical inaccuracy didn't grab him. Early the next morning.

Kevin: There's nothing like first morn's dook. Know what I nean?

Later that afternoon.

Kevin: I just felt a peanut scrape past my hemorrhoid.

A few hours later, he plays QUARTS.

Kevin: Speaking of QUARTS, I just loosed about three quarts of liquid brownie in my porcelain depository.

A few hours later, John plays the final and winning word of our game. Finally, I am acknowledged.

John: Poop.

I stood in my home and applauded.

Kevin: Well played, sir. Well played.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

Pissed Off

As I previously mentioned, I ended up getting two games each with two different people after requesting a random game. I tried to get rid of this guy quickly, but it took a little while. Like my other double, his icon was a close-up of his smiling face.

Kevin: I like to pee sitting down. You?

No answer. The next day, he plays FAGS. Opportunity!

Kevin: Hey man. That's not cool. Would you play niggers if the letters were there? Not cool. By the way, you look cute. Want your dick played with?

Smiley: No thanks I don't go that way

Kevin: Oh, you like to do the playing. I figured you for a bottom.

Kevin: Do you use lube or go dry? Spit maybe?

Kevin: Answer me, bastard!

He then changes his icon to a picture of trees. The word he plays is PLOW. At this point, I try to step it up.

Kevin: Plow, like what happens to your asshole.

Kevin: You like piss play? I bet you do.

No answer. Eight hours go by before he plays another word.

Kevin: Are you peeing on yourself right now?

He resigns. The next day, he changes his icon back to his face, probably not realizing that I still see the closed out games.

Kevin: I see you.

Friday, June 22, 2012

The "N" Word

For this one, I changed my display picture so that the middle aged white woman wouldn't know that she was, in fact, chatting with a black man. Not that she did much chatting ... until she did.


Camm: These niggers on The Wire are way too niggerish for me. You ever watch this thing? I'm never going to Baltimore.

No reply. Five minutes later.

Camm: I mean, they make 50 Cent look like Justin Beiber!

Four minutes later.

Camm: Scoundrels! The whole dirty lot of em!

Six minutes later.

Camm: They're like wild monkeys. Maryland IS the planet of the apes!

Eight minutes later.

Camm: I don't know which is more disgusting: the big lips or the big black penises! Do I really need to see this?

Seven minutes later.

Camm: I'm turning this off. This "show" is just as screwy as pig cock.

Two minutes later, this FINALLY garners a response from her:

Quiet Racist: I think that maybe a good ideea. I cant say I dont agree with some of what you said. My daughter is going out with a nigger and Im well pissed about it but maybe you shouldnt say these things to strangurs on a phone game. You know?

At this point, I changed my display pic back to my handsome negro face and wrote the following:

Camm: WOW! YOU'RE GOING TO HELL YOU RACIST SCALLYWAG!!!

She resigned.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

10.5 on the Richter Scale

This one was interesting. I tried to add a random game and instead got two each from two different people. I was getting bored and wanted to get one of them to resign quickly. I chose a woman who had a nice smiling face shot for her icon. I expected her to go out with a whimper. Instead, "Wendy" got a little crazy.

Kevin: Do you like sex with strangers?

Wendy: Seriously? Grow the fuck up! This is a game on your fucking phone not a place to hook up.

Kevin: I wasn't trying to hook up. I was just asking. I don't like fat girls anyway.

(Calling a girl fat is the best way to get her riled up, whether she actually is or not. Let me tell you, it worked. Wendy immediately resigned from both games I had with her and changed her profile picture to show her with a guy.)

Wendy: First off, I'm not fat you ignorant piece of shit. Second, why would you ask a stupid question like that if you weren't looking to hook up.

Wendy: It seems to me that you are either an actual idiot that can't get laid on his own and has to chat it up with girls on a game.....

(Aren't you supposed to chat girls up to get laid? Wasn't I on my own?)

Wendy: Or you have a pathetically small dick and this game is still the only way you can get a girl. Either way it's ridiculous

Wendy: Good luck getting laid you dumb fuck. Maybe some dumb ass girl will fall for your "charm"

(Come on, ladies. It's time to think of something better than small peepee to insult a guy. If you can pull off getting laid through this game, you're a genius, especially considering the rare chance you're even geographically close to that person.)

Kevin: You got me. My dick is only 10.5 inches long. For a girl with a vagina as big as yours, that's tiny. Is that the guy you're going to send to beat me up? Does he like sex with strangers?

Kevin: I like his mouth.

Kevin: I just had sex with 3 bitches. They like my man dangler.

Wendy: Trannys don't count as bitches..... homo!

Wendy: You are what I like to call a whore.... enjoy your std's

Wendy: 10.5 you wish!

Kevin: If trannies bottom, they are bitches. I don't have stds, because I turned you down.

Kevin: 10.5. I can make a shish-ka-bitch.

Wendy: Homo. You are a fag.....you need to turn your tape measure over from centimeters to inches before a scronny white boy claims 10.5!

Kevin: 10.5 is what your fat ass hits on the Richter scale when you fart.

Wendy: Wow. Back to the insults huh.... Don't you have an HIV anonymous mtg to attend?

Kevin: You call me names and complain about my insults? I use condoms. You know, those things that would have prevented all your abortions.

That was the last I heard from her. I think she gave up. I do enjoy the scrapping, even if it's make believe.

Ferrets Need Love Too

This portly gal never typed a single word to me but caught my eye specifically because her display pic was of her with a few cats flanking her head. Too easy.

Camm: Oooh! A cat lady! I love me some cat ladies!!!

Two mins later. She didn't reply but she played a word and changed her picture ... no more cats.

Camm: Awww man! What happened to the cats?

No reply. Three minutes later.

Camm: I was just joking. I don't like cats. I don't even like ladies. UNLESS they're as striking as you are!

No reply. Two minutes later.

Camm: So, seriously ... the picture was small. Was that a couple of cats bookmarking your face or was it some type of neck ferret?

No reply. Two minutes later.

Camm: I'm gonna go with neck ferret. A ferret for your neck. You should be careful, some of those things carry a rare strand of rabies that migrated from one of those sand countries.

One minute later.

Camm: I feel sorry for your neck. And your mother.

She resigned from the game but after she resigned i sent one last message:

Camm: Hey! Come back!! I didn't even get to send you a photo of my taint yet!!

Wicked Witch Hazel

Keep in mind that she had "N0_ChAt" as part of her username. Haha! Yeah, right.

Camm: I'm thinking of rubbing down a female fitness model with witch hazel, but in a non sexual manner. Good idea or bad?

Non-Chatterer: Lol. Why witch hazel?

Camm: Rubbing alcohol or hydrogen peroxide could sting. Plus, witch hazel retains your skin's moisture. I'm all about the moist skin.

Non-Chatterer: Well, there ya go!

Camm: Sometimes I consider becoming obese so that I can lose weight. Then, I would have tons of loose skin to moisturize.

Non-Chatterer: OOOOOkay. This is taking a turn.

Camm: To every season, turn, turn, turn. I bet Ringo's skin is sauna-worthy moist. What I wouldn't give to caress one of those damp folds.

Non-Chatterer: LOL! Am i being punked?

Camm: Ugh! Ashton Kutcher's skin moisture looks like it was sucked in by Demi's desert-like vagina. She takes all the juices and now he's sand nigga dry. Not fair.

Non-Chatterer: I think I'm probably being punked but either way, I'm outta here.

Camm: I should go too. I have an appointment to sit in a slightly hotter than warm vat of intensive healing lotions at my neighbor's house. The tub is quite filthy actually, but the regenerative effects are nuthin to scoff at. Stay moist my friend!

A Little Spice

No matter what this guy's answer was, it was going to be wrong.

Kevin: Who is your favorite spice girl?

Random Guy: that is a faggot issue to be on

Kevin: Why is that a faggot issue?

Random Guy: How u gone ask anothere man about spicegirls u sissy

Kevin: YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU MOTHERFUCKER! DON'T YOU EVER DISRESPECT THE GREATEST POP GROUP OF ALL TIME! YOU COCKSUCKER!!!! I HOPE YOU GET DIARRHEA AND IT RUNS DOWN YOUR LEG!!!! FUCK YOU BITCH ASS BITCH!